I thought about not fasting this year. I've never been a particularly submissive Muslim.

I didn't fast one year, I didn't like it.

Anyway this Ramadan I'm taking one day at a time.

Also I have a list: people to contact/thank/make things right with/show I love.
( Here it is: )

last night, I swear to heaven, I did a somersault in my sleep and landed on the floor next to my bed.

this is what happens, I think: each spring I develop an unspecified want, a longing for something/body/place and it takes over and turns me into a big upright craving. this spring I've been channeling that want into Nick, who isn't playing along and leaves my craving open and sore.

but now! I have a new channel. it is a beautiful soprano ukulele:


kyle gave it to me about a month ago. last night I took it out of its case and put new strings on it and tuned it and learned my first four chords -- all with youtube's help -- and I am smitten.

I love its littleness, and I love its pretty ribbity sound, and I love that there are only four strings -- it feels like just enough for a lazy brain like mine to handle. it's enough to feel like play, not work. there is no right or wrong technique, no rigid rules. there's only sound or not-sound, comfort or discomfort. it is a good instrument for the undisciplined :).

so this is my baby, it's filling up my heart. welcome baby :).

if the solar storms don't kill us, the supervolcano might.

when I was little  I was terrified of natural disasters: tornadoes, earthquakes, meteorites, hurricanes. couldn't go to the beach because what if there was a tidal wave. and I was grateful that we lived in a state with no fault lines or volcanic activity or tropical storm season. I got stuck at my cousin's house in cleveland once during a tornado and it about killed me. not actually, just thinking about it.

failed in my weeklong updating scheme last week, so we're trying again. onward :)

came home and the fire extinguisher was out in the middle of the kitchen floor.
also: a frozen pizza box by the door, and an apartment that smells like burning.
and a roommate asleep in the living room.

have seen/read more plays in the last two months than I have in the last two years, thanks to this conservatory:

seen:

richard III (in Arabic) - kennedy center (with robyn)
eurydice - round house (with tina & paolo from theatre lab)
marisol - H Street Playhouse (with azie from theater lab)
a delicate balance - Arena Stage (with nick from TL)
next to normal - Arena Stage (with gwen)

read:

steve martin:
  picasso at the lapin agile
  patter for the floating lady
  the zig-zag woman
  WASP
   
craig wright:
  the pavilion
  orange flower water
  recent tragic events

arthur miller:
  all my sons

doug wright:
  watbanaland
  interrogating the nude

caryl churchill:
  cloud 9
  seven jewish children

wendy wasserstein:
  uncommon women and others
  isn't it romantic
  the heidi chronicles
  third
 
edward albee:
  the goat, or who is sylvia?

jane martin
  jack and jill

john patrick shanley
  missing marisa/kissing christine

neil labute:
  the mercy seat

martin mcdonaugh
  the pillowman

read out loud:

kate crackernuts -- sheila callaghan
snow angel -- david lindsay-abaire
box americana -- jason grote
restoration comedy -- amy freed
my sin and nothing more -- rebecca gilman

love it:

this site is hilarious.

without a doubt: cliff and claire huxtable.

late-night hosts comment on the McCain Wander , via huffpo. busted a metaphorical nut at the end of the conan bit.

my friend Lauren, in Morocco, has purchased a house in Fez.

hey all - I'm in algeria for the next couple months, updating as filjazair - friend me there if you like, some of what I put up will be posted privately. I'll start this one up again when I'm back stateside.

-nbean

we got here safe yesterday, are in paris now at an internet cafe & are exhausted.
& hating french keyboards.

tomorrow in algiers!

so:

here's what I've been doing wrong:

I've been thinking about leaving as if I were dying:

I have to accomplish this before I go
I need to talk to so-and-so before I go
I won't be able to do such-and-such after I've gone
I wish I could see x one last time
This will be the Very Last Time I get to do z

and so on. and it's been killing me, the finality and the crush of packing it all in "before I'm gone."

and this is stupid. because why am I leaving? to do some more living. to become more deeply and differently alive.

so that feels a lot better.

anyways it's not even for very long. my visa's only good for a couple of months, and my ticket has me back in february, although I think I'm going to try to extend them both while I'm there.



It's my last day with the Bobs, which I don't think I'll ever be sad about, although they're awfully nice people to work for. Chris, the one not-Bob in the office, told me he'd hire me when I come back: "Don't go through that temp agency. You come right to us." This is not legal, but it is very Chicago. It's also something I hope I won't have to do. but it's nice to have a safety net.

we're getting pizza for lunch. which is awesome, because I'm starving :).


aaaaaaaaaaaaand it's here! :)

it's al-jazeera in english.

this is my friend arif's blog, he's got a clip of the first five minutes of the introductory Al Jazeera International broadcast. it looks impressive. my hope is at some point it'll get picked up stateside...

I just bought a combo mp3 player / digital voice recorder, thinking I was doing the genius thing by getting the two-in-one device. so I'm home, I've ripped up the impossible-to-open, impossible-to-put-back-together packaging, and I've done a test recording. and it's crap. I have to take it back to Office Depot tomorrow and get the real thing, a bona-fide all-I-live-to-do-is-record-voices machine. and I need it to work well, because I won't understand anything anyone's saying to begin with.




I'm so tired.

I'm not a donut person,
but today Bob (middle-aged Bob, who owns a horse) brought in a box of really delicious ones from a specialty shop out by where he lives. mine was chocolate, rolled in coconut. it was extremely satisfying.

I had chinese food for lunch, something else I haven't had in a very long while. I forgot how salty chinese food is. and filling. I'm full as a tick.

my fortune cookie said something about bravery being the capacity to do something though it scares you half to death. it was an apt cookie, because I'm leaving Monday.

in my anxiety I've developed sort of an alterna-retail therapy: I walk into lots of stores, try on lots of clothes, and purchase none of them.

there's a purpose to it beyond ritual. I'm looking for specific items I need for algeria: a dark sport jacket for work; a loose, knee-length-or-lower skirt that will dry easily; cotton blouses. I've scoured Filene's, TJ Max, Marshall's, Nordstrom's, Sears. I've found items I like but don't love. I've found items I love but can't afford. (I'm cheap, but I'm not satisfied with cheap-looking or cheap-feeling. I'm not friends with polyester; it's a relationship of convenience.) And I'm always sure I'll find better in the next store. symptomatic of an unwillingness to commit? emblematic of a deep-seated dissatisfaction with options in life? yes and probably.

on a brighter note,
I think I have figured out what to get for my two girl cousins. (women cousins - one's in college, the other's married with child.) I found a beautiful scarf for the older one, and I'm looking for a journal for the younger.

I am looking forward to bonding with the women of my family.

my friend jen, in qatar, is experiencing the Male Gaze in its full fury, without the benefit of a close group of women to fall back on. she lives with another girl from georgetown in an apartment for women, but they're all strangers -- strange to qatar and to each other. she says she's never been more aware of being a woman. I remember this feeling from morocco, and I remember the frustration and anger I felt at the men around me. at the time I could only think of the things I was excluded from -- excluded from traveling alone, from walking the street unmolested, from a confident place in the Outside World of Men. I didn't think at all of there being places where I would be welcome, inside places where women built their own complex and wonderful and exclusive worlds. I'm excited to find out about those places. I don't value being Out any less. it's more that I'm ready to accept the value of being In, if that makes sense.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

No.
Explanations.


1. Yourself:
scrambled

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend (spouse),
unsure

3. Your hair:
frizzed

4. Your mother:
tough

5. Your Father:
small

6. Your Favorite Item:
pillows

7. Your dream last night:
forgotten

8. Your Favorite drink:
tea

9. Your Dream Car:
?

10. The room you are in:
mine(ish)

11. Your Ex:
abroad

12. Your fear:
stagnating

13. What you want to be in 10 years?
focused

14. Who you hung out with last night?
parents

15. What You're Not?
loud

16. Muffins:
bran

17. One of Your Wish List Items:
digitalvoicerecorder

18. Time:
tricky

19. The Last Thing You Did:
answered

20. What You Are Wearing:
blue

21. Your Favorite Weather:
windy

22. Your Favorite Book:
unsure

23. The Last Thing You Ate:
pomegranate

24. Your Life:
confused

25. Your Mood:
anticipatory

26. Your best friend:
far

27. What are you thinking about right now?
flaws

28. Your car:
transferred

29. What are you doing at the moment?
this?

30. Your summer:
different

31. Your relationship status:
ill-defined

32. What is on your TV?
off

33. What is the weather like?
cold

34. When is the last time you laughed?
yesterday

I'm in love with TV on the Radio. In love with them like Wolf Parade. Like heartsickness.

The other week we had a couple over for dinner, a man who works with my mom, and his wife, who spends most of the month at their home in Cincinnati. this man was beautiful, I had fantasies of him while we were eating, of him not being married and not knowing my mother and not being anything but soul-eyed and restless.

after dinner my dad asked if I could drive the couple home (could I), to their apartment on the North Side where he stays during the week. and if the drive was exciting and electric and full of surruptitious phone-number-exchanges I was the only one who knew it (because no phone numbers were, in fact, exchanged). on the way home I flipped on the radio -- god bless chicago radio -- and on the low-dial channel they played Wolf Like Me -

my mind has changed
my body's frame
but god i like it
my hearts aflame
my body's strained
but god i like it

and I danced and drove fast and felt hot and drunk. It turns my bones into little electric trains.

I have I Was A Lover on, it sounds like story from a head-on-the-floor drunk. And I love it, it makes me want to cry.

***



I got my first-ever official wedding invitation in the mail, from a friend from grad school who's getting married in December. I wish with all my heart I could make it -- I love this girl, she's so beautiful. I need to figure out something I could make for them before I go, maybe a pillow. a set of pillows? small pillows. small hand-knit pillows.

I checked two more things off the to-do list: called verizon to put my phone service on hold Nov. 21, and ordered digitial-8 tapes for the camcorder.

also, I have about four months' worth of medication squirreled away -- the doc and I conspired to double my dosage so I could get the insurance to pay for it. they don't approve advance-orders of regular doses for travel purposes.

and I did another couple of pages of the review-your-French book I got from the library. the other night I opened an arabic book for the first time in five -- six? -- months; I opened it in the back, where the glossary is, tried to do like a little english-to-arabic self-quiz. and it's like I'm seeing these words for the first time. my recall is totally non-existent. eep. so I need to do that some more.

I need to call my old housemate, to check on the cat. I put this off every night and go to bed guilty :/.

I need to find my tax forms from last year.

and buy another pair of work-appropriate washable pants.

and clean the bathroom.

resolved: tomorrow I will call on the cat.

and kyle.

friday I will call my sister.


time for some daily show, people.